why is my aspergers child good at school and bad at home?

It never fails. Like clockwork, our morning routine is always the same.

We get up and our oldest son is already walking out the door.  It takes us fifteen minutes to get monkey out of bed.  Right off the bat there is confrontation and nasty words spilled.

“Leave me alone. Don’t touch me. Go away. I hate you. Get away from me!” shouted loudly with slurs of him becoming a quick anger-ball, all before we even get him dressed.  And, then it continues.

“My corn-flakes are too soggy. I want a new shirt! I hate these pants they are scratchy. I don’t want to wear my boots. I am not going to school.”

FD and I run around, spending time asking what monkey wants for lunch, re-directing his bad mood elsewhere on what he’s going to do at school that day. We do everything we can not to lose our tempers when the arguing escalates, smiling and hugging, saying how much we love monkey and to have a great day. And, we usually manage to get him off to school just in the nick of time.

Then it happens. It’s time for pick-up and I dread it. I know that’s awful as a mom. I just don’t know how Trace is going to be. Is he going to be in a good mood, bad mood, angry with me when I haven’t seen him all day?  I don’t know and my anxiety level rises but I go with the flow and take my cues to see how he is.

I have spoken to Trace’s teacher about his behaviour at home and I always get the same sympathetic look from her that makes me want to smack her upside the head sometimes.  But who can blame her, really?  I mean it’s hard for her to see what I tell her when the opposite happens in her classroom.

“He’s had five years to work on you. Five years to train you?” she tells me, always giving me a slight grin as though I’m being punked and don’t know it yet.

I just want to scream!  I want someone to see what I do. Trace is horrible at home. He shouts, hits, bites, cries, whines, argues and talks back in ways I never imagines my lovely little five year old would do. He actually shocks me, sometimes. And I think…

What the hell am I doing wrong? Why is my son who has Aspergers so damn good at school and so bad at home?

Aspergers child explains this behaviour, though it doesn’t bring me comfort.  And another mom blogger recounts her situation where she was the teacher and now the shoe is on the other foot, as a mom dealing with her daughter.

I don’t know, in all honesty I can understand that if school is so much, Trace would come home and take it out on us. I just can’t imagine this going on for the rest of his school years. God I pray he doesn’t.

I just want to find a way to reach my son. So I’m going to call his teacher and find out how deals with his good behaviour and how she deals with things he does that he shouldn’t.

I think what I hate the most is that when I speak to her about my feelings and what he’s doing. She looks at me like I’m nuts. She tells me he’s so good, she never has any issues.

This morning I asked Trace why he’s so good for his teacher and his reply… “Because those are her rules.”

Maybe I am being punked. Maybe I am not strict enough. I don’t know. I just know something has to give, because the way Trace treats not just me, but his dad and brother and so outwardly defies everything, has melt downs and acts up. I don’t know… but my patience is running thin.

Comments

  1. jen says

    I am so so worried. I have a 10 year old, who is currently being assessed with Cahms, he has benign epilepsy, irlens and is colourblind red/green. School say he is good at school but wow, different child at home. Id say 7/10 days are a nightmare. I am getting fed up going out of the house and his temper/attitude is getting worse. It scares me. meltdowns.. I have a 8 year old who is my star but not living his childhood and starting to get fed up its always my eldest who stops us from doing daily things. My youngest who is 6 dosnt eat properly. certain foods only. he can also have meltdowns to the point I cannot stop or help him. I thought it was learnt behavior but cahms also say lets check him out. sensory issues aspergers. ???? every day is a battle and I do feel like everybody is talking about me. my eldest behind with his education 2/5 years english and no even scoring maths.

    • Jodi says

      Best thing to do is see a doctor and have the schools back you up. The school can be a huge support when trying to get aid for your child. It's hard I know, but worth the effort to get the school to write an assessment of their own on your child behaves. I wish you the best of luck :)

  2. kayleigh says

    So is that normal behaviour for a child with aspergers? i ask because im pulling out my hair and im being turned from person to person…word for word above is my son…he trousers are to tight (when there not) YOU DIDNT DO IT RIGHT when i did but its not right to him! i feel like im going insane!!! shopping is a nightmare because my tesco have a bad habit of changing there store layout i go when i can sneak away. nursery and school was your child is perfect grrrr well why isnt he at home i want to cry! i have professionals left right and centre currently deciding but say hes a little too young yet then precribing me a book on aspergers!!! im so confused. routine is a bible because it makes things a tiny bit easier. hes just so much hard work i have 2 other children they all get punished with the same thing i follow the text book to what ive been told to do because what i was doing wasnt working but the other 2 get it but he doesn't!! i love my son millions and hate to admit it but theres times when i think it could be easier with a few phone calls but no one seems to help me there staring at me with the blank expression as if to say what are you talking about. i need help ! :(

    • says

      It can be hard but start with your local mental health community center for children. Also get a hold of your child development programs in your area to assess your son. Ask teachers to back you up by recording his behavior for you, their observations on how he is to help back up your feelings. Never stop fighting you are his biggest advocate. Our son actually doesn't have Asperger's as we suspected. He has early onset bipolar disorder apparently. It's confusing and hard I know. :)

  3. Dianna says

    I just read this and cried. I could have written this. I have 4 year old I'd twin boys D has always from bsbyhoox been crankier, needing more attention. As they have grown his temper is the worst. He used to cry and hold his breath till he passed out. They go to half-day pre-school in separate classes. Total angels. Very quite and just now fully I retracting. At home D has massive tempers, throw things, breaks things, has told me he hates me, tonight told his brother "you are not my brother, you ate not my friend". I am at a lost of what to do. I do have bipolar disorder so worry about that but don't feel he is showing any of those signs. Have just bern beating myself up got 4 years figuring I am just a horrible mom who has no control. I me er dreamed my 4 year old would tell me he hated me. How does he even know what that is???

    • says

      He doesn't really. Kids hear things all the time, and they do learn that words can hurt. Our son has told his brother he hates him, too. It's awful but you have to fight and look past it. You are his advocate. You can get him help, tell his doctor what is going on, Tell them you need help. Some days are better than others. We are still trying to find ways to communicate with our son, on his level. Thanks so much commenting. <3 :)

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