He walks down the stairs, taller than me, hovering over me as he gives me a morning hug. He smells — musty and a little dirty at times. He’s sweaty because he’s been outside playing basketball with his friends or up in his room listening to his ipod (rap crap) that makes my ears bleed.
He’s almost five feet seven inches. He wears a size 13 shoe. He can now borrow his dad’s jeans. He uses words like “sexy” “beast” or “sick” to describe things that are cool to him, things I try to relate to but just can’t. He has started swearing, sometimes has emotional out-bursts and has become distant in the past six months.
I have a Teenager and I hate it!
I know it’s inevitable. Kids grow up and there is nothing we can do about it. I guess I just never figured that it would be so damn difficult to deal with. I miss my son. I miss him being little. I miss his little boy smile when he used to rush into his arms because he’d fallen and needed a hug.
Now he walks in the door, bleeding from his knees or his elbows because he did a flip on his roller blades or skate board. “I’m okay mom, it’s just a little blood.” he tells me.
Just a little blood? My stomach clenches, but not because of the blood. It clenches because he doesn’t need me to kiss it better anymore. He doesn’t need a hug or an “I love you” in fact those things now make him cringe just a little and now I get to hear him say…
“Stop being so emotional mom, I’m fine. It’s okay don’t cry, I’m a big boy now.”
He says these things with slight humor in his voice as though my reaction to his being hurt is kinda stupid, which it probably is but I can’t help it.
I think back to the moment I had JJ and God how I fell instantly in love with him. I never imagined I could love anything so much in my life and yet — there he was. He helped me more than he will ever know.
He helped me grow up. He helped me become a mother. He helped me leave an abusive man who hurt me daily for many years, and all because I loved him so much and I only wanted what was best for him.
They don’t tell you when you have kids how hard it is to learn to let go of them. It’s our job as parents to love our children, support them, keep them safe, teach them right from wrong, so that one day they can grow up and become confident adults and make good decisions in their life when the time comes.
They don’t tell you that when the time comes for them to make those decisions on their own — how difficult it will be allowing them that freedom, praying and hoping things turn out okay and that their not needing you anymore or needing you less will hurt so bad.
I cried hard today – alone in my room. I just want him to be little again. I want him to need me. I want to take care of him. I don’t want to see this sweaty beast man of a child walking around with the realization that in three years he will be driving. In six years he will be drinking. In eight years he will most likely move out and away from me.
My heart begins to break…
JJ is my first. My first child. My first baby. My first love that I ever felt so unconditionally that it was a gift from God I cannot even begin to describe.
He’s a good kid. He’s a sweet boy. He’s a teenager now, and whether I like it or not… He’s becoming a young adult. It sucks! I hate it! I’m sad inside about it. But I’m so grateful for the time I have with him right here and right now. I won’t ever take a moment for granted.
Family Quotes to Sum Up How I Feel
“The rules for parents are but three… love, limit, and let them be.” ~ Elaine M. Ward
“Kids can be a pain in the neck when they’re not a lump in your throat.” ~ Barbara Johnson
“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.” ~ Elizabeth