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Asperger’s assessment: day two demons in the night

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You know when I got married, there are just things I never thought I’d ever say to my husband.  And yet, somehow, when I’m not looking.  There they are. Things I find myself saying and thinking…

“God did I just say that?”

I wasn’t feeling good last night at all. Yesterday was Trace’s second Asperger’s assessment.  And, although it went well, it was very long. 2 1/2 hours of asking question after question, in order to get know our family history, Trace and how we feel as parents about our son.  I was completely drained when we got home.

I couldn’t sleep at all, and by the time eleven o’clock rolled around I was hurting and not feeling well. My stomach was upset, I felt sweaty and ill. I knew it was a panic attack. I just didn’t know why.

I tossed and turned until about 2am when I called out to FD to come to me.  I couldn’t stop crying.  He came and sat beside me as I blurted out everything I was feeling.

All my pain for Trace, my guilt for what he’d been through in his life and that I didn’t do more to protect him.

My fears of dying. I’m afraid of having a heart attack like my parents, dying and leaving this earth, leaving my kids and husband.

My fear of having sex with my husband because I’m not in great shape. I’m afraid of dying during intercourse. And I actually blurted out …

“The last thing I want is for the kids to know their mother died with stiffy inside of her!” OMG!

I was a little bit hysterical at this point.

FD listened, allowed me to cry and bawl and whine and shed my fears until my body grew numb.

I know why I have these fears. I know where they come from, how they manifested, and even what they mean. I just don’t know how to cope with them.

I told FD that I wanted to blog about it. I mean writing is like a solace for me, but that I was afraid others would think I just whine too much all the time. Sometimes readers can be mean and I just don’t want to deal with mean.

But in the end I am true to a part of myself that needs to put things down on paper, to get them out, to analyze them and try to figure things out.

And I came to one final conclusion.

I blame myself for my son’s condition.

I know that is selfish, I mean it’s not about me. It’s about him. But I do. I blame myself.

I blame myself for the thoughts I have when days are hard. When I stare at my beautiful six year old boy and think to myself…

“Why the hell can’t you just be normal?”  or “Where did I go so wrong you have to act like this?”  “Why can’t you eat a cookie after it has touched another cookie. It’s not dirty. It’s just a damn cookie!”

I blame myself for thinking I could done something to change things. I could have protected him better. It was my job. He was inside of me and it was my job, to make sure he was alright. He was healthy. He was happy.

Now I have a little boy who struggles to understand things. Who doesn’t feel loved a lot of the time. Who thinks everyone is against him. And I realized something today in that doctors office.

Trace is just like me.

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I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know where I will go from here. I know I have a lot more growing to do as a mom. I have growing to do as a woman and person, despite the fact I’m nearing 40.

One thing I do know is that I love my son. God how I love him and nothing that happens during the reading of the results is going to change things, except one.

I am not going to allow my son to grow up feeling as though he doesn’t matter or that he isn’t understood. Because I understand. More than I ever realized before. And I’m going to make sure that one way or the other.

Trace knows…

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9 Comments

  • Reply Grace Sevilly

    All I can say is that I admire you for being strong and being honest to your readers by sharing what you feel through writing. I admire your courage!

    May 12, 2012 at 9:44 am
  • Reply Harold

    Hey Jodi, I understand how you feel, but Trace is going to be just fine, The Father in Heaven knows his children and he will provide. When I feel i'm having a panic attack myself I will read a few scriptures and this helps me out. Other people have different ways to stop panic attacks but reading scriptures has done well for me. blessings

    May 8, 2012 at 8:34 am
  • Reply Jodi Shaw

    Thanks LaQuita!

    May 8, 2012 at 4:41 am
  • Reply Jodi Shaw

    Okay you made me cry Ashley. 🙂 Thank you for your words. The encouragement I received here from others is important. I just don't want others to think I whine or my gosh here she goes again. It's not easy with bipolar depression, handling your feeling plus everything else, and trying to wary of what you share. 🙂 Thanks for commenting.

    May 8, 2012 at 4:41 am
  • Reply Bonnie Way

    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I'm like you – writing helps me process things and deal with it, though I'm also afraid of sharing too much with my readers or getting told I'm crazy or stupid or boring. 🙂 When I read posts like yours, all I feel is immense respect for you – and gratefulness for what you've shared because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in my struggles. My struggles are different than yours, but we are both moms who worry about our children and our parenting skills and we can encourage each other. Thank you.

    May 8, 2012 at 3:05 am
    • Reply Jodi Shaw

      Thanks Bonnie 🙂 Yeah I feel the same. It's hard putting yourself out there.

      May 8, 2012 at 4:40 am
  • Reply Ashley S

    Sending you a HUGE hug! I don't know what it's like to face what you are facing with Trace, but I do know what it's like to have a sick little one. I do know what it's like to have months/years of "unknowns" and I do know what it's like to feel responsible. But you love him, God trusted YOU with him, not someone else so you are without a doubt the best Momma for that little boy doing exactly what God is asking you too!

    May 8, 2012 at 1:39 am
  • Reply LaQuita (Just Us Gir

    Oh hun, I'm so sorry you had a day like that. I will say that you are blessed to have such a great husband to let you vent to him about it all and that you are an amazing mother. You don't sound selfish one bit, more concerned about your child, your life, your family, etc. and that is okay. Sometimes we just need to have a day to let it all out. Here's to hoping that today is ten times better.

    May 7, 2012 at 10:11 pm
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