ready to launch, how stress is affecting my life


“Why don’t you write about?”  FD says to me, as I lay in his arms bawling my head off for the millionth time this week.

“I can’t,” I tell him.

Our readers don’t want to hear me bitch and complain about life, financial struggles and the crap I’m feeling. They have their own issues they are dealing with. Why on earth would they give a shit about what I’m feeling?

Then I remember why I started this blog in the first place.  It wasn’t to host giveaways. It wasn’t about reviewing products. It was about sharing and connecting with other parents, moms and dads, like us and the shit we all go through each and every day.  That is what this blog is about.

So okay, I’m gonna share.

I’M STRESSED OUT TO THE MAX THIS WEEK!

Having bipolar depression, I’m no stranger when it comes to dealing with stress or emotional over-load. It comes with the territory I guess.  And for years I’ve handled stress quite well, never allowing it to affect me really.  I just deal with things and move on. That’s the best way I know how to do it.  Lately though, it seems that my stress level is at def-con 5 and I’m sitting without missiles to attack my enemy, just waiting to get bombed!

I’m ready to launch!

Lately everything in our life is about money.  Everyone wants money.  Money we don’t have.  Bills we have to pay, food that has gone up in price, hockey gear that costs more than my wedding ring, back to school items that the kids need, food for the pets, a vehicle that needs fixing — and the list goes on and on and on.

Mixed with the money, I’m also feeling overwhelming emotional about Trace starting kindergarten.  I actually laid in FD’s arms last night bawling, begging him not to make me Trace to school.  WTF kind of mother does that?  Shouldn’t I want my child to branch out, explore this new phase of his life, making new friends and embarking on this journey?

Well of course I want those things for my baby.  I want that for both my boys.  But I’m also extremely sad because Trace is growing up and I guess I feel cheated a little.  Cheated at the lack of time.  Trace and I are just getting to know one another, learning to love each other the way a mother and child should.  And now he’s leaving me and I can’t help but feel sad about it. It’s just going to be FD and I and I think that scares me a little.  Being alone with my husband all day long without the boys around.

Selfish, I know.  And yes I sound whiny but I don’t give a shit.  All these feelings, stress is just sitting deep inside me. Having to care for a husband who forgets everything, raising a child with special needs, hospitals and doctors, a tween who has no self-esteem and is running from an abusive past with his biological father and parents who are ill all the time.

It just feels like it’s too much sometimes!!!!

I think what bothers me the most is that now the stress which I’m totally used to handling.  Mom has the answers. Mommy makes it better. Mom who usually takes one day at a time as each thing crops us and teachers her family to do the same.  Well it’s affecting my life and me physically.

I can actually feel the stress eating at the core of my soul and it’s truly upsetting.  The past two weeks I’ve been sleeping longer because I’m not sleeping well at night. My body actually hurts all day long and it’s like the stress is eating at me but I’m not sure how to deal with it, or what to do to make the feeling go away.

I watch commercials on depression on TV talk about how depression can affect you physically, but for me I’ve never actually experienced that before.  I’ve always found outlets to help calm and deal with my mental illness.  But lately — maybe because I’m getting older, I’m turning 38.  I never felt the affects of my stress or depression —UNTIL NOW.

I know sharing this with all of you isn’t going to take my stress away.  I mean it does help to talk about it.  I just wanna cry all the time now and that is not a place I want to be in — I don’t want my boys to see their mother as a basket case or someone that can’t handle things, especially when I’m expected to handle everything.  If I lose it — they lose it. They count on me to be calm, understanding and keep things going and together.

I think the worst part of feeling this stress and dealing with depression is the isolation I feel.  Sometimes there is such extreme loneliness that you feel like you are dying inside.

I’m hoping this next week brings more happiness my way. I’m hoping I will feel better and not so bogged down by everything. I truly appreciate  you guys listening to me. It means more to me than you will ever know.  It’s strange but when I’m here on our site, I feel like we have an extended family and friends I can count on – even if I don’t know you all personally and have not met many of you.  It just feels good to talk about things.

Until then I’m going to take one day at a time. I’m going to try to reduce my stress by learning to take more time for myself and quit feeling upset about things out of my control.  I’m going to continue writing, enjoying my time with boys and live life as each moment comes.  I’m going to try…


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Comments 8

  1. So glad you felt that could share this with us, your readers! I understand completely about the money thing — just the other day my spouse and I were shaking our heads in puzzlement as to how he can make a pretty good salary – and yet we barely are getting by. We have the essentials – we are not going to starve or lose the house or anything like that – but there is nothing left over for any emergencies. And that scares the crap out of me. I can get caught up in these crazy "What If " scenarios – and than BAM = migraine!

    But, if the vehicle breaks down – we're done. Leaking shower that was a previous botched DIY project we inherited….no money to fix it and down to 1 bathroom for 5 people. Most people I know have at least 3 functioning bathrooms in their big house. We are bursting at the seams in our little home. And right there…..That is what does it. Comparing our money situation to others. When I made the decision to stay at home, we knew money would be tight, but felt the sacriface was best for our kids to have mommy home since daddy worked crazy shift hours. It's hard for someone else to understand that we cannot afford to put my son in hockey, my daughter in dance, and the baby in swim lessons. Or that annual trip to Disney. But we don't NEED all that….it's just the gravy. When I let that go, my stress diminished dramatically.

    I just really, really hope that the van makes it through this winter!

    Hope you have a great weekend, and get to have some well deserved me time to de-stress! And many good vibes heading your way for a great week!

    1. Thanks Rory so much for your reply – totally makes me feel better. I totally understand the whole van making it through the winter thing. Trace is on a waiting list for Children's and if we don't have a vehicle to get him there – well we wait longer and that is stressful. We need our vehicle and I think the majority of the stress came from that.

      I also really understand what you are saying about things being "gravy" like trips to Disney. It's just in the wee hours when I think about things, my kids wanting things like Disney land and if we didn't get help with Jake's hockey he wouldn't be playing and might not this year and that pains me terribly. Yet we strive to teach the kids these are things we don't need because we at least have each other. But as a parent you are still left with the pain of worry and wanting to give them more.

  2. Wow! What an honest blog 🙂 Reading of the strife, frustrations and day-to-day 'ugggggh!!' moments you shared of, resonated in a familiar way with me.

    I run a business and my partner's son has aspergers. So much of what you shared was relatable interms of time slipping through the cracks and of your hesitancies to vent in the first place but then feeling better afterward. It was like I was reading my own thoughts.

    It's never fun having things in common with people that are going through hard times but there is a level of peace that comes in knowing we aren't alone. You are definitely not alone in your frustrations. And, I know I'm not alone in mine either.

    I've considered starting a blog to vent and share honestly of the day to day things I go through as well. There is something liberating about getting things 'out there!'. I have always felt better after letting off steam, even if it just via writing. I don't think holding things in is good for anyone.

    Anyways, I've rambled enough. 🙂 I'm so glad I came across your blog today through 'tarasview' and will look forward to connecting with you!

    -Shannon

    1. Thanks Shannon and yes I do feel better for writing about. I always do LOL – that's just me. I think you kinda hit the nail on the head for me. I've come to realize I didn't feel the stress before because I used to talk more about it and somewhere down the road I just stopped doing that.

  3. i am not alone & you are not alone

    i've been in tears at least 5 times so far today….i've been through the kindergarden moments and am now dealing with an empty nest & the isolation i face.

    i, for one, really appreciate your honesty and I can so relate to you

    thank you

    1. Awww thanks Anne. Yes yes yes kindergarten sucks say it with me hahahah! Yet I know as a mother it's a good thing, too. Hope that makes sense. Glad I'm not alone in my feelings and you aren't either.

  4. {{Hugs}}

    You are so brave to write about how you are feeling right now. Your braveness shows how strong you are even if you don't feel strong right now. Take this week before school starts to just focus on your kids. Enjoy the last week and get lots of extra cuddles to store up for when school starts.

    1. Thanks Hilda! Yeah I am. Yesterday we went to MRC to swim and it was so fantastic! I had such a great time. I cried lots here and there when nobody could see (mommy has to pee a lot LOL) because I was filled with so much emotion just enjoying myself. I truly hate depression sometimes and it's barrier between myself and life, but I've been dealing with it for over a decade now, so I'm still pluggin along, and I'm really just going to spend quality time with the kids.

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